I apologize to all of my followers for my lack of blog posts, but so much has been going on in my life that posting has been the least that has been on my mind. It is crazy how much your life can change so drastically in the matter of a few months! But what is my real excuse for my lack of blog posts you ask?
Well, as I have previously shared with you on here a few months ago… I was diagnosed with Bipolar and ADD about 5 years ago, and was on medication during that time frame. (Yea, yea, I am crazy and proud of it!) After I lost my job and was beyond depressed (which I did not think was possible since I was on damn antidepressants!), I found out I am pregnant! Yup, that is right! As of right now, I am 19 weeks pregnant and am due at the end of April! Back in August, I was feeling nauseous and tired as hell and I just figured it was because of my depression. That was until I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive! The next day I stopped taking all of my meds cold turkey!!! I know that is dangerous to do, but there is no way I was going to be taking Lamictal, Vyvanse and Lexapro while pregnant! I would be a horrible mother if I fed that to my fetus!! lol. I made the decision that it is more important to have a healthy baby born birth defect free rather than give birth to a baby who is dependent on psychiotic drugs with birth defects. That would absolutely kill me inside! I have decided that I am strong enough to fight my depression for 9 months for the sake of the baby’s health.
I am not going to lie though.. Not being on my medication has changed my life drastically. Not only does my body have to fight having a mental illness and adjust being med. free… It also has to adjust to the rollercoaster ride of emotions and the crazy change in hormones that coincide with pregnancy. Talk about a freaking nightmare.
As you can see, it has been about 5 months since I have actually posted, and this is because my days pretty much have consisted of sleeping, eating and crying. When you are not on medication when your brain really needs it, it is definitely tough. Medication makes me normal. It also gives me my life back, When I was on my medication, I looked forward to blogging, knitting, photography and creating jewelry. However, when you are a bipolar pregnant woman, you could really care less about anything. The only thing I really cared about was taking care of my growing baby inside me which I truly feel is a gift from god. You know what? I truly feel that god gives us the gift of a child when we truly need it. I have seen this happen so many times to a number of people in my life. It took my husband and I one year until we got pregnant, and it could not have been at a better time.
After losing a job that I loved, I was fighting depression, and knowing that I have something to live for truly gives me a reason to wake up everyday.This baby gives me a reason to live, to take care of myself and to keep looking forward. I thank god everyday for this blessing.
I only have about four more months left until I can truly feel like myself again, and I am proud of how far I have come. Having a mental illness is definitely a daily struggle, and I have to fight it in order to have a normal day. I never realized that until I saw the sadness in my husband’s eyes when he desperately said to me ” I miss Jess. I miss your smile, your laugh and your happiness.” “I am proud of you for fighting your bipolar and ADD without your medicine, but it has been so tough.” He even made a good point. He said “You cannot stop living your life. You used to laugh so much and smile. You used to enjoy posting on your blog!” He continued, “You are stronger than this! You cannot just sleep all of the time and do nothing. Whether you like it or not, you are a mother right now.”
I looked down at my stomach and it had not clicked in my mind before that moment. He was right. Although the baby is not physically in my arms just yet, I became a mother the moment I conceived and what kind of mother just wastes their days feeling sorry for themselves? I made a promise right then and there that I would fight harder for my husband and our baby.
And so, here I am feeling better after our chat and finally accomplishing a task that I would have normally done when I was feeling like myself. Although I still have a few more months to go before I am myself again, I think the more I fight my illness, keep a normal routine, and do the things I once loved, I will be able to find happiness again without having to rely on medication to alter the chemicals in my brain. Well, there you have it. Prior to this post, my real excuse for my lack of blog posts is all because I have been fighting my depression and Bipolar, but obviously not hard enough. I think this blog post truly shows my commitment to fighting this illness on my own while I attempt to become normal again and gain my life back.