A.D.D., A.D.H.D, attention deficit disorder, disabilities, Family, Life!, marriage, mental health, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

The Struggle is Real: ADD & Motherhood DO NOT MIX!

et

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted for my blog and I have a very good reason, I promise you! My very last post was approximately written about 3 years ago, yes, I know unacceptable. But please, I beg of you, there is a valid excuse. I became a mom!  In addition to that I have ADD and to throw another responsibility into the mix, I teach Special Education at the high school level. I know, I know, I’m not the only mom out there who has to juggle a multitude of tasks, but to be honest, it’s fucking hard, time-consuming and stressful as hell and I have the utmost respect for those moms who have their shit together. I would give my left leg to have my shit together.

I’m sure many of you non-super-Pinterest-moms out there most likely cannot relate because you are simply amazing, but at least I know that there are other ADD moms out there who can. I’m really going to focus on maintaining my blog because I really need some ” me time.” I honestly don’t care if that sounds the least bit selfish because as a mom, you need that time. My “me”time usually consists of spending time in the bathroom until my three year old, Emma,  begins banging on the door while screaming          “DON’T LEAVE ME MOMMY!” On the top of her fucking lungs! Like seriously I can’t get a moment to breathe. Where the hell does she think I’m going to go? I’m in the bathroom that’s less than a foot away from your room!

I know being a mom with ADD can be super stressful sometimes, (O.K.–most of the time!) but to be quite frank, I would not change it for the world. I love being a mom and the craziness that comes along with the job keeps me on my toes. My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Here is a list of my top ten struggles that I face as an ADD mom!!! I hope many of you can relate!

1.I tend to lose a lot of things! There have been MANY instances when I was supposed to fill out a form for Emma’s daycare and I lost the paper–not once, but a few times! Lets just say that I lose my cell, debit card, keys and anything that is considered important on a daily basis. This is an extremely touchy subject for me because losing things causes so much stress in mine and Emma’s life.

2.I am very forgetful! I might forget to bring something to a party at Emma’s school. Sorry kids, I know I signed up to bring in the juice boxes and plates, looks like you will be drinking tap water and eating caveman style! #bannedfromclassparties.  I tend to forget to sign her in and out on the computer at her school in the mornings. I can’t tell you how many times the owner reminds me how this is a safety issue in addition to his way of tracking whether or not I pick her up later than I am supposed to so that he can charge me an additional 5 dollars. I am living off a teacher’s salary for christ’s sake, can’t you cut me a damn break? Those 5 dollars add up quickly. Oh, and filling my gas tank? That is another nightmare. I found myself stranded in the middle of a major highway most recently because I forgot to fill my gas tank!

3.  Did I mention forgetfulness? Don’t get me started. This causes me to be late for EVERYTHING.I lose my keys, forget to grab Emma’s lunchbox or backpack on our way to school in the morning. I have caused us to be locked out of the house for hours. Then when I go to get the spare key that is hidden outside (which my husband hid purposely to prevent this), I suddenly remember that I forgot to put it back in the hiding spot! I forget to pack certain things that Emma may need for school (show and tell items, bathing suit, etc.). Thank god my daughter has a much better memory that I do, she is always there to remind me! “Listen Em, during show and tell, just show everyone your imaginary toy. Then when they say that they cannot see it, tell them they’re nuts). LOL

4.I tend to let her down sometimes. I  forget making promises or plans with her. I am lucky to have such an understanding three-year-old who has developed empathy for my disability.

5.My disorganization and messiness is rubbing off on my daughter and I fear this will continue as she grows up. I have gotten much better over the years because I have learned to stay on top of my piles. I started to put things away throughout the day. However, Emma does not understand the concept of putting her toys away when she is done playing with them nor does she understand the concept of  keeping her room clean. It looks like an explosion went off in her bedroom. There are piles everywhere. Can you say recipe for disaster?

6.Sometimes, I am easily agitated (especially if I forgot to fill my prescription) and when I feel that way, I tend to ignore her or get mad at the smallest things. Especially when she hangs all over me or asks me for something a million times. I fucking LOSE IT!

 7.I tend to lose interest at times when I am engaged in an activity with Emma. This causes her to feel like I am not interested in spending time with her. “Ok, mommy will color with you for a minute.” (one minute into coloring)….. “How about a puzzle now? I have to go do laundry. Sorry kid, looks like you’re on your own.”

8.She really wants a brother or sister, and although I would love to provide her with that, I know I won’t be able to handle the responsibility of having two children. “Sorry Em, it looks like you will have to rely on your cousins for companionship.” Thanks ADD!!

9.Food shopping & cooking!!! I am having some serious anxiety just thinking about this! I could write an entire post solely on the hatred I feel towards food shopping and cooking. THANK GOD my husband is the complete opposite and is like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. #lovemyironchef  I fucking hate food shopping and cooking. I just vomitted a little bit in my mouth thinking about it. My heart is literally pounding as a I write this post. When my husband tells me to go food shopping (after we have literally eaten everything in the house), I grit my teeth, nod and smile forcefully. As soon as I enter the grocery store, I am overcome with an instant feeling of panic and confusion. Feelings of anger consume my mind and I shoot nasty texts to my husband. “Why are you making me do this? Is this some sort of punishment?” He has learned to ignore those texts because it is my way of coping. Since I have no system or sense of organization, I just start tossing shit in the cart. When I go to checkout, and the cashier asks for coupons… my answer is always the same “yea.. uhmmmm, I really have to start using those.. if I could only get my shit together”then the cashier asks if I have my savings card… I realize that I lost that a long time ago so I plug in my old cell phone number to retrieve it… because I was too lazy to update the account. And cooking? Do not get me started… Lets just say, it is an absolute nightmare.

10.The one thing that really SUCKS about being a mom and teacher with ADD is getting myself and a toddler ready in the morning, oh, and FORGETFULNESS. Can we say fucking nightmare? My morning consists of hitting the snooze button a thousand times (literally) and rushing around the house like a madman. Dressing my daughter when she is half asleep and having to run to Wawa to buy Emma’s lunch because, well, I didn’t stay on top of the food shopping. On my way out, I realize I forgot Emma’s backpack and run in to get it only to realize I removed my key off my key ring the other day so that I could allow my car to run while I just ran in for something else I forgot. I then go to grab the spare that my husband hid only to find that I forgot to put that back. Sorry Em, looks like you won’t have your blanket or spare clothes today…. make sure you don’t crap your pants and maybe wearing your winter coat is a nice replacement for your blanket during nap-time.

And so here you have it! Just a list that I hope many of you can relate to so that you know you are not alone and that the #struggleisreal

Never forget: You are wonderful and you are doing an amazing job!!!

Family, Life!, mom life, motherhood, parenting, Pregnancy

“You’re (not) Glowing!”

Image result for not glowing quote pregnancyImage result for not glowing quote pregnancy

If I received a dollar for each and every time someone said to me “You’re glowing!” I would be friggin’ rich. Every time someone tells me that I am glowing, I reach for my mirror in a desperate attempt to try to see what it is exactly that the other person is seeing. After taking a quick glance of my pregnant face, I think to myself, “How the HELL am I glowing?” I mean really…… I have acne, a double chin, a chubby face, and a fat ass. Sometimes I think people just say that because they think it is what should be said to all pregnant women. My step mother even got me a shirt that says “You glow girl!” for christ’s sake. And do you think I am actually out there proudly sportin’ that shirt? HELL NO. I sure as hell do not want to attract any more attention to myself than I already receive. When I am out in public, people are constantly gawking at me like I have three heads, like they have never seen a pregnant woman before…. No this is not a beer gut.

Trust me, I am ecstatic and feel blessed that I am pregnant, and I am by no means trying to be cynical… but I just do not see this “glow” that people supposedly see when they look at me…I mean, come on. really…. how the HELL am I glowing?? Is it the extra oil on my face that my pregnant body keeps producing?  I have gained 50 lbs already, my boobs are triple the size they once were, my face has completely filled in, I sweat like a horse, I am always out of breath, I get acne like a hormonal teenager, and my pants are bursting at the seems..lol. I think it is really sweet that people compliment me, but I really wish I could see this so called “glow” that they see because I sure as hell do not see it! lol.

Family, Life!, nature, Pets

How Molly became Moe, a little bit about my crazy cat!

 

 

moe12I know that readers are not mainly interested in reading posts about my pets, but I had to share some photos of my cat, Moe, whom I might add is very photogenic and who loves to get his photo taken. I swear, when I take his photograph, it’s like being at a photo shoot. Moe is an indoor, outside cat and comes and goes as he pleases. Therefore, when it is nice and sunny outside, I love to take pictures of him lounging around  in the sun.I know what some of you may be thinking, “Who the heck names their cat, Moe?” (unless of course you are a fan of the three stooges). In my eyes, it is not much of a cat name. To make a long story short, when I first adopted Moe, we thought he was a she. I know. I know. How do you not know whether or not your cat is a girl or a boy? I mean, come on, it is obvious! right? wrong!! The people who we adopted him from said he was a girl, and from what we saw, he definitely was a girl! So, at that time,  I decided to name her Molly.

A month had passed, and  we noticed that Molly’s demeanor was much more masculine and it was clearly apparent that she was a boy. I know that  this whole story may sound a bit stupid or unbelievable, but I guess Moe (Molly at the time) did not start “developing” until he was a month or so older.  I then decided to name him Moe, so I was not fully changing his identity too much.lol. Usually, you can tell the sex of your pet right off of the bat, but this was not in Moe’s case. Either way, I love Moe just the same. Girl or boy.

What I have found and learned from being a cat owner is that taking care of a cat is much more easier than taking care of a dog. Moe is a very independent and self- sufficient cat. He pretty much takes care of himself and comes and goes as he pleases. Dogs cannot leave the house without getting hit by a car (this happened to my dog–unfortunately).

I know that cats usually stay either indoors or outdoors, however, Moe chose to have the best of both worlds. When he wants to come in, he meows by the front door. The best is that he does not require a litter box, (because his bathroom is in the woods) and he takes very good care of himself. Now this is all his choice. He is also kind of OCD when it comes to cleaning his coat. Moe’s fur is the cleanest and softest coat you will ever feel! He likes things so clean, that you can find him cleaning our dog’s ears. It is too funny!

On another note, my husband and I have nicknamed, Moe, the “litter police”  because he likes to collect litter from around our house and he places it in a neat pile on our stoop. Then he sits on the stoop and stares at you until you pick it up and throw it away.I give the little guy a lot of credit for caring about the environment. The only unfortunate thing about Moe is that, occassionally, he can be found hunting baby animals in which he proudly drops off on our front stoop as a “gift.” I mean, I appreciate his thoughtfulness and all, but really, who wants to see a dead baby rabbit, possum, bird or chipmunk on their front stoop? It totally grosses me out.

One time, Moe exhibited what I would like to call non-cat-like-behavior when he decided to be “giving” with his food that day. It was about 5 in the morning and he had actually brought a “friend” home. Since my cat is what I would like to consider very high-maintenance, he only associates himself with other good looking cats. Oddly, Moe enjoys sharing his food with this stray cat ,which is a very rare breed, and very clean and goodlooking. You never find Moe hanging around with the grungy looking stray cats, only the good looking cats such as himself. I just found it to be quite odd that he shared his food so willingly.Maybe he feels that it was the closest thing he will ever be to a father? Who knows.

During the winter, Moe still wants to go outside. You would think that even on the exceptionally cold days he would want to come inside. No, not him, he is too independent. He chooses to stay warm by sitting directly on the top of the hood of my car. I mean, how strange is that?? How often do you see a cat sitting on the top of the hood of your car?

Sometimes I wonder how he survives outside because he lacks common sense. Recently, it was much more colder than usual and he decided to hide under my car to get more heat, and, as a result, he received an extremely bad burn directly  on the top of his head from my exhaust pipe. The poor little guy came running in, whimpering with steam coming directly off the top of his head!He was walking around with a little bald spot, which was both sad and cute at the same time. But this is the life that he wants to live. lol.

Anyway, enough of my rambling on about Moe, I hope you enjoy his pics. Just wanted to show you how beautiful he truly is! (: (they are under photography section)

Family, Pets

My Chocolate Lab, Brandy

My Chocolate Lab, Brandy, is by far the best pet that I have ever owned my entire life. My husband and I bought her 9 years ago, and she is the best purchase we have ever made. Brandy has a very kind, loyal and innocent disposition. Even at 9 years old, she is still as playful and energetic as she was when she was a puppy. When I walk through the door after a long day at work, Brandy makes all of my problems from the day go away. I look forward to my husband saying “Brandy, give mommy kisses.” Brandy then proceeds to jump up to give me kisses. I think it is so cute how she associates me with “mommy.” I wanted to share some photos of Brandy that I took of her at home while playing catch. She absolutely loves catch and, of course, getting her picture taken.

 

 

 

Family, Life!

What is it like being adopted?

Image result for adoption someecards

I have always wondered what it must be like to have grown up with parents that you can call your own. I know how silly this must sound, but this is something that I have always wondered about since the moment that I was told that I was adopted.

When you are a little kid, you are not really sure what being adopted exactly means, but you believe your adopted mother when she says “You are special, Jess.” “God wanted us to have you.” I remember thinking, “Wow, that is so cool, I was chosen!” Then as you grow up and you learn more about the world around you, your childhood innocence begins to fade ever so slightly.

Going food shopping was a nightmare. I used to look for a resemblance in any couple that passed me in the aisle. I had this plan that I would boldly walk up to them, tap them on the shoulder and say “Exxxxxxcusseeee me, arrrrreeee youuuuu, my real parents?” However, my fear of strangers would kick in and that boldness would subside. As I became a teenager, that need to find my real parents turned into a feeling of “How the hell could you give up your own child?” Then the rebellion kicked in.

As the years passed, I always had that question in the back of my mind. Actually…. many questions.

When I was in high school, my feelings about being adopted would resurface when I would get into a fight with my adopted mother. Unfortunately, I would use my anger about being adopted as a weapon to hurt my mother when she made me angry. When she used to say “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.” I would painfully throw back an “Actually, mom, if I am not mistaken, you did not bring me into this world. You just signed the papers” This was followed by a “You ungrateful (followed with a string of profantities)” from my mom. Then from there, I knew to hide at one of my friend’s houses.

Now, I do not want to get into the details of what happened after I made that hurtful statement directed towards my mother. But lets say the aftermath of that statement was not pretty. Lets just say that my mom was an old school italian mother who was born and raised in the Bronx.

Although I loved my mother very much (she passed away when I was 18), I took out my anger about being adopted on her. I don’t know why, but I think sometimes,we do this to the ones that we love or feel the most comfortable with, and I do regret it.

In my early twenties, I had the desire to reach out to the adoption agency. I had always promised my mom that I would never find my biological parents because I considered her to be my real mom. She never discouraged the search, but I knew deep down it hurt her. The thought that I wanted to meet the actual people who gave me up.

The truth is, I did not want to search for them because I wanted to start my life over with my “real” parents, but I, like many other adopted people out there,just want to close that chapter of our lives. You just want to put a face to the image of your parents that you have conjured up in your mind.You want to make sure your parents are not serial killers or something. Thankfully mine are not.

I am going to save my experiences of what it was like to meet my biological mother for another posting, but lets just say that it was a wild roller coaster ride.It was a pretty cool experience. Not what I had experienced,and it came with some dissappointments, but it was worth it.

blogging, Family, Life!, marriage, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

When are you truly ready to have kids?

My husband and I went out to dinner last night and he looked at me with sincerity in his eyes and stated, out of the blue, “I want to start having kids this summer.” Now, notice this was not posed in the form of a question as to whether or not I am ready just yet to be a mom. It was a “I do not care anymore whether or not you are ready to be a mom, you will give me a god damn child now whether you like it or not” kinda statement. I have been avoiding this discussion and hoping that he would “forget” somehow until I was eventually ready. Well, I was obviously in denial because apparently it is always on his mind since his biological clock it ticking.

To give you a little background, my husband is five years older than I am and has been ready to be a father for the past five years. He has been patiently waiting and has decided that this summer we MUST try to have a baby, no questions asked. Now notice how he has already decided that it is this summer that we will try. I ,on the other-hand, have decided that this summer just is not yet my time. We have been together for 9 years total and have been married for 3 years. We have a beautiful house and both have well paying jobs. The foundation, love and support is there, so there really should not be any question as to whether or not we are ready. Financially, yes, we are ready. Emotionally, yes, we are ready. However, there is something deep down inside me that tells me that I am just not ready yet.

I just cannot exactly place my finger on my reasoning behind why I am not ready. My husband and I started to get into a heated argument last night and it made me feel very guilty. I feel like I should give him exactly what he wants because he is older and we can afford to start a family. My husband loves me,and I know that we would make outstanding parents. So, I really do not know what is preventing me from starting our family. I have decided to compile a list as to why I may not be ready. I wonder if anyone has been through this kind of predicament,and if so, what was the ending result?

These are my reasons:

1. I work full time and already have a difficult time between juggling the responsibilities of being a wife, taking care of our home and keeping up with the demands of being a full time teacher.

2.I am fearful that I will screw up and disappoint my husband when I am a mom.

3.I want to go back to school to get my masters degree.

4.I love to work and if I was a stay at home mom I would lose my mind.

5.I do not want anyone else watching my child while I am working. This would mean that I would have to hire a nanny, and then I would miss out on all of the things that you look forward to when you are a parent: your baby’s first word, first step, etc. etc. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that my child’s nanny was able to witness that before I did. I also wouldn’t want to have to tell my child that I don’t know what their first word was because I was not there to witness it or that their first word was nanny.

6.I do not feel as of right now I am healthy enough to become pregnant. I have heartburn and allergies and I am over weight. I would like to take some time to lose weight and to become healthy before we begin trying.

7.You have to be completely selfless when you are a parent, and I feel as though right now I am not ready to give up my life. I know that may sound selfish, but that does not mean that when I am ready that I will not be selfless because I know I will give my child everything that they need.

8.I think I am just fearful of going through the process of child birth and of becoming a mom.

9.I am fearful of the pains of childbirth!

These are the reasons as to why I am just not ready at this moment to start having children. Now,I feel guilty not giving my husband what he wants, and he and his family constantly question me as to when I am going to start a family. But, how come they do not just give me my space and realize that when I am ready, it will happen?They need to respect my decision and realize that when the time comes, it will happen. As of right now, they are making me feel very guilty with the reason “do you want the baby to have an old father?” Now, mind you, my husband is 33 and I do not think there is anything wrong with a man starting a family in his late thirties. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.

My questions to those who are reading this post are:

1.How do you know when you truly are ready?
2.Is being a mom something that you should plan out?
3.Or… is being a mom something that you should not plan out and let it “just happen” as my husband says we should do.

Please give me some input…. It would be greatly appreciated!!!