A.D.D., A.D.H.D, attention deficit disorder, blogging, disabilities, Life!, Uncategorized

My Real Excuse for Lack of Blog Posts….

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I apologize to all of my followers for my lack of blog posts, but so much has been going on in my life that posting has been the least that has been on my mind. It is crazy how much your life can change so drastically in the matter of a few months! But what is my real excuse for my lack of blog posts you ask?

Well, as I have previously shared with you on here a few months ago… I was diagnosed with Bipolar and ADD about 5 years ago, and was on medication during that time frame. (Yea, yea, I am crazy and proud of it!) After I lost my job and was beyond depressed (which I did not think was possible since I was on damn antidepressants!), I found out I am pregnant! Yup, that is right! As of right now, I am 19 weeks pregnant and am due at the end of April! Back in August, I was feeling nauseous and tired as hell and I just figured it was because of my depression. That was until I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive! The next day I stopped taking all of my meds cold turkey!!! I know that is dangerous to do, but there is no way I was going to be taking Lamictal, Vyvanse and Lexapro while pregnant! I would be a horrible mother if I fed that to my fetus!! lol. I made the decision that it is more important to have a healthy baby born birth defect free rather than give birth to a baby who is dependent on psychiotic drugs with birth defects. That would absolutely kill me inside!  I have decided that I am strong enough to fight my depression for 9 months for the sake of the baby’s health.

I am not going to lie though.. Not being on my medication has changed my life drastically. Not only does my body have to fight having a mental illness and adjust being med. free… It also has to adjust to the rollercoaster ride of emotions and the crazy change in hormones that coincide with pregnancy. Talk about a freaking nightmare.

As you can see, it has been about 5 months since I have actually posted, and this is because my days pretty much have consisted of sleeping, eating and crying. When you are not on medication when your brain really needs it, it is definitely tough. Medication makes me normal. It also gives me my life back, When I was on my medication, I looked forward to blogging, knitting, photography and creating jewelry. However, when you are a bipolar pregnant woman, you could really care less about anything. The only thing I really cared about was taking care of my growing baby inside me which I truly feel is a gift from god. You know what? I truly feel that god gives us the gift of a child when we truly need it. I have seen this happen so many times to a number of people in my life. It took my husband and I one year until we got pregnant, and it could not have been at a better time.

After losing a job that I loved, I was fighting depression, and knowing that I have something to live for truly gives me a reason to wake up everyday.This baby gives me a reason to live, to take care of myself and to keep looking forward.  I thank god everyday for this blessing.

I only have about four more months left until I can truly feel like myself again, and I am proud of how far I have come. Having a mental illness is definitely a daily struggle, and I have to fight it in order to have a normal day. I never realized that until I saw the sadness in my husband’s eyes when he desperately said to me ” I miss Jess. I miss your smile, your laugh and your happiness.” “I am proud of you for fighting your bipolar and ADD without your medicine, but it has been so tough.” He even made a good point. He said “You cannot stop living your life. You used to laugh so much and smile. You used to enjoy posting on your blog!” He continued, “You are stronger than this! You cannot just sleep all of the time and do nothing. Whether you like it or not, you are a mother right now.”

I looked down at my stomach and it had not clicked in my mind before that moment. He was right. Although the baby is not physically in my arms just yet, I became a mother the moment I conceived and what kind of mother just wastes their days feeling sorry for themselves? I made a promise right then and there that I would fight harder for my husband and our baby.

And so, here I am feeling better after our chat and finally accomplishing a task that I would have normally done when I was feeling like myself. Although I still have a few more months to go before I am myself again, I think the more I fight my illness, keep a normal routine, and do the things I once loved, I will be able to find happiness again without having to rely on medication to alter the chemicals in my brain. Well, there you have it. Prior to this post, my real excuse for my lack of blog posts is all because I have been fighting my depression and Bipolar, but obviously not hard enough. I think this blog post truly shows my commitment to fighting this illness on my own while I attempt to become normal again and gain my life back.

blogging, Teaching

The English Teacher in Me

Ok.. to those who just read my post “Some people call me crazy,” I saw a lot of mistakes in the post. Since I am a teacher, I always read and edit my posts after I publish them. So hopefully you can reread it and see that I am not that stupid… lol. Well, I will be sure to edit my posts before I publish them!!! I am sure there are other teachers who proofread their posts too. Well, I realized I need to stop typing so fast to avoid the mistakes. I am sure there are other mistakes. LOL. Hopefully, you can reread it so it makes more sense now.

blogging, Uncategorized

A Serious Case of Writer’s Block

 

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I am unsure of the fact of whether or not many of you bloggers out there have ever suffered from a bad case of Writer’s Block,but, if you have, then you will be able to relate to my frustrations. If any of you currently have it, well, then, I must have caught it! And I just want it to go away!

Not being able to write is highly unlike me because I constantly have thoughts runnning through my mind! I have kept a journal throughout my entire life, and have never experienced being  unable to write. Recently, I have been really trying, or shall I  say attempting,  to write new post. I can’t tell you how many times I have opened a blank post with the hopes of something, ANYTHING coming to my mind.

Unfortunately, no ideas have come to my mind!! It is sooo frustrating. Usually, something inspires or motivates me to write. Whether it be my feelings, an object, the mood or a person. Once the inspiration strikes me, it just flows. Lately, it has been a whole bunch of nothing. Hopefully some ideas will start to come to mind.

What do some of you bloggers do to get over a bad case of Writer’s Block?

What is your muse? What inspires you to write?

Are there any topics that you would like to read about?

Let me know, so that this bad case of Writer’s Block eventually subsides!

blogging, Uncategorized

How do I get more traffic to my blog?

Ok, so I need some advice, pointers, tips… anything from those experienced, successful bloggers here on Word Press! At this point, I am desperate!! (just kidding). I have been perusing through Word Press and have noticed that many bloggers have followers and attract much more traffic to their blog than I do.

The question that I am posing to you, fellow readers, is this: How do I get more people to read my blog? It seems like everyone on this site has followers and comments are being made on their site,however, my blog pretty much is viewed not as much as I would like.

How do I get more people to comment and view my blog? I would like to have some followers. I know I may sound somewhat desperate in my plea for advice as to how to attract more traffic, but I think it is human nature to seek some sort of attention on here. Some sort of recognition or a sense of approval. I don’t know. Maybe I am asking for too much!

I am not looking to get my blog featured, just some fellow blogger advice as to how to attract more viewers. How do I get that sense of knowing that “I belong to the blogging circle” here on Word Press.

If you have any advice as to what you think I should do, well, that would be greatly appreciated! I am open to any constructive criticism that is thrown my way. As a teacher, I have learned to take criticism. Therefore, just leave a comment with what works, or what I should change. After all, I am new to this new blogging thing and I know everyone has to start somewhere!
Thank you!

blogging, Family, Life!, marriage, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

When are you truly ready to have kids?

My husband and I went out to dinner last night and he looked at me with sincerity in his eyes and stated, out of the blue, “I want to start having kids this summer.” Now, notice this was not posed in the form of a question as to whether or not I am ready just yet to be a mom. It was a “I do not care anymore whether or not you are ready to be a mom, you will give me a god damn child now whether you like it or not” kinda statement. I have been avoiding this discussion and hoping that he would “forget” somehow until I was eventually ready. Well, I was obviously in denial because apparently it is always on his mind since his biological clock it ticking.

To give you a little background, my husband is five years older than I am and has been ready to be a father for the past five years. He has been patiently waiting and has decided that this summer we MUST try to have a baby, no questions asked. Now notice how he has already decided that it is this summer that we will try. I ,on the other-hand, have decided that this summer just is not yet my time. We have been together for 9 years total and have been married for 3 years. We have a beautiful house and both have well paying jobs. The foundation, love and support is there, so there really should not be any question as to whether or not we are ready. Financially, yes, we are ready. Emotionally, yes, we are ready. However, there is something deep down inside me that tells me that I am just not ready yet.

I just cannot exactly place my finger on my reasoning behind why I am not ready. My husband and I started to get into a heated argument last night and it made me feel very guilty. I feel like I should give him exactly what he wants because he is older and we can afford to start a family. My husband loves me,and I know that we would make outstanding parents. So, I really do not know what is preventing me from starting our family. I have decided to compile a list as to why I may not be ready. I wonder if anyone has been through this kind of predicament,and if so, what was the ending result?

These are my reasons:

1. I work full time and already have a difficult time between juggling the responsibilities of being a wife, taking care of our home and keeping up with the demands of being a full time teacher.

2.I am fearful that I will screw up and disappoint my husband when I am a mom.

3.I want to go back to school to get my masters degree.

4.I love to work and if I was a stay at home mom I would lose my mind.

5.I do not want anyone else watching my child while I am working. This would mean that I would have to hire a nanny, and then I would miss out on all of the things that you look forward to when you are a parent: your baby’s first word, first step, etc. etc. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that my child’s nanny was able to witness that before I did. I also wouldn’t want to have to tell my child that I don’t know what their first word was because I was not there to witness it or that their first word was nanny.

6.I do not feel as of right now I am healthy enough to become pregnant. I have heartburn and allergies and I am over weight. I would like to take some time to lose weight and to become healthy before we begin trying.

7.You have to be completely selfless when you are a parent, and I feel as though right now I am not ready to give up my life. I know that may sound selfish, but that does not mean that when I am ready that I will not be selfless because I know I will give my child everything that they need.

8.I think I am just fearful of going through the process of child birth and of becoming a mom.

9.I am fearful of the pains of childbirth!

These are the reasons as to why I am just not ready at this moment to start having children. Now,I feel guilty not giving my husband what he wants, and he and his family constantly question me as to when I am going to start a family. But, how come they do not just give me my space and realize that when I am ready, it will happen?They need to respect my decision and realize that when the time comes, it will happen. As of right now, they are making me feel very guilty with the reason “do you want the baby to have an old father?” Now, mind you, my husband is 33 and I do not think there is anything wrong with a man starting a family in his late thirties. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.

My questions to those who are reading this post are:

1.How do you know when you truly are ready?
2.Is being a mom something that you should plan out?
3.Or… is being a mom something that you should not plan out and let it “just happen” as my husband says we should do.

Please give me some input…. It would be greatly appreciated!!!

blogging, Life!

Blogging about Blogging….

Hello, Fellow Bloggers!!! And, of course, those who have happened to come across my blog while surfing the net! Allow me to introduce myself…. I am ,what I would like to call ,a “Blog Virgin,” being that I have never actually had my own blog before. I have always been the reader of blogs; not the actual owner of one.

I have always desired to have my own blog some day, but had never actually gotten around to creating one due to the distractions of life! Everyday, although a new day, is the same routine day in and day out. I have decided now that I need to do something to make my days more interesting. My blog will serve as an outlet from the daily mundane tasks of life. I have come to the conclusion that I need some more “me” time, and, well, a place to vent of course! I have personally found that I can’t vent to my coworkers because then … well.. that would get me into a lot of trouble. I can’t vent about my husband to my husband because ..well… you get my point.

Blogging was definitely the much more appealing choice of the two, and I wanted to avoid ruining my life at all costs! I am not exactly too sure about how this whole blogging situation works, however, I do hope that I do not actually find myself being too dissapointed by it. For instance, what if those who read my blog hate my posts? Or.. what if people find my blog to be, well, lets say, uninteresting? I know, I sound a little pessimistic about blogging, and I am sure you are thinking to your self…”Geez lady! it is just blogging! There are other things in life to worry about and to be negative about.”

Well, take a look at it from my perspective…..When you create a blog, you are putting yourself out there.. your thoughts, feelings, opinions… You make yourself vulnerable to others’ opinions, criticisms and thoughts about your posts. I am sure (and a majority of you bloggers will agree) that as you are blogging, you have that fear stored in the back of your mind—- worrying about what others are thinking about your posts. Questions running through your mind: Will they take this personal? disagree? tick them off? love it? hate it? blah.blah.blah.

So, my advice to you, fellow bloggers, is to: FEAR NOT! Do not fear that your readers will think poorly of your posts or that you might offend them, because, if you do, your blogs will not come genuinely from your heart…….

Be sure to…….

Avoid sugarcoating your posts…..

Blog your little heart out.

Blog as if your life depended on the post.

Blog about what makes you angry…. sad…happy…inspired..motivated!

Be sure to use a pseudonym for yourself and pseudonames for others in your posts to avoid getting jumped…lol

Blog.

Blog.

Blog.

For, if you do not let your walls down, and truly blog without the fear of the unknown.. you have truly never blogged before.

I hope new bloggers will embark on this exciting journey with me as a blogging virgin!!!

CARPE DIEM!!!