education, English teacher, Life!, public school, special education, special educator, teach, teacher, teacher life, Teaching, Uncategorized

Feeling Lost–by: A Former Teacher

I apologize to my readers for not blogging much. I have been going through a lot lately. Well, in my mind at least. I worked SO hard to be a teacher. I put myself through college while I waited tables and had my own apartment at 19. I could not wait until the day I did not have to wait another table in my life because I knew I was going to be a teacher. On my last day of waitressing, I never looked back. That was up until recently when I have had no choice but to return. No offense to other servers but it is just not my cup of tea.

You see, I taught high school English and Special Education for 9 years. During those 9 years, I taught in three schools. I have had nothing but good observations and reviews….. and nothing but BAD luck. I can honestly say that my heart hurts over this because I truly know deep down I made such a difference in students’ lives.

To summarize…….

I lost my first teaching job right before tenure without explanation, and I am not going to lie…….that stung—-yet I was able to move on to a better paying teaching job, so I felt as though I made out in the long run. I taught in my second school for 2 years and it was just a toxic environment and so I decided to move on before I was let go because I saw it going that way. I worked within a very very cliquey school. I then found a district that I thought was a really great. I fit in, loved the students and I thought the principal was on my side and she was very supportive. I taught there for 4 years and was up for tenure. Things were looking up, and I saw myself retiring in this school. That was until May came around.

It was honestly like being stabbed in my heart. That is how much I loved teaching in that school. I felt betrayed and lied to by my principal. I was told my contract was not being renewed.. RIGHT BEFORE TENURE…. I never had a bad observation during the 4 years that I taught there. I felt like I was being broken up with! All of my dreams shattered and at that moment I questioned my career choice and regretted even pursuing teaching. Obviously they did not think I was a great teacher.

Well, I was so bitter, I did not look for a new teaching job this past summer. I decided that I would return to waiting tables again like I did while attending college. Sadly, as each day passes, and I invest more time into this restaurant I feel stuck. I miss teaching and I miss the students. I miss being a professional. I miss working with other professionals and feeling like I am making a difference. I just feel like a complete and utter failure. I know I cannot take losing my job personally, and I can thank the politics but still….. it honestly hurts. I am starting at square one again.

Truth be told, I hate waiting tables. However, it is something that I am good at and yet I still feel like a failure. I have had people say “Why would you come back to this place?” “Why wait tables when you can teach?” The truth is….. I am just so scared. I am scared of failing again. My heart is in teaching and I know it is what I am meant to be. It is hard to recognize that waiting tables is not permanent, and my husband continues to remind me that it is temporary until I finish graduate school. But I want out so bad.

I hate that this has happened to me, and I hate that it happens to other teachers because teachers work so damn hard. They are unappreciated and taken for granted. If I could hug each and every teacher who has been through what I have been through I would. I hope eventually things will turn around for me.

Question for my readers:

Have any former teachers been through this before?

If so, how did you deal? How did you move on without ruining your confidence in your abilities?

2 thoughts on “Feeling Lost–by: A Former Teacher”

  1. My sister is a teacher and has been through the ringer. Whether by other staff, parents, or students. Honestly I dont know how she does it. I think any teacher that cares about nurturing and teaching students should get an honorable metal. Teachers are very misused and under appreciated.

    Theodore Roosevelt said
    It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

    Anything worth doing is going to bring some failure. If you passion is teaching then don’t let defeat get in the way. Who knows the difference or quality you may bring to someones life.

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