I apologize to my readers for not blogging much. I have been going through a lot lately. Well, in my mind at least. I worked SO hard to be a teacher. I put myself through college while I waited tables and had my own apartment at 19. I could not wait until the day I did not have to wait another table in my life because I knew I was going to be a teacher. On my last day of waitressing, I never looked back. That was up until recently when I have had no choice but to return. No offense to other servers but it is just not my cup of tea.
You see, I taught high school English and Special Education for 9 years. During those 9 years, I taught in three schools. I have had nothing but good observations and reviews….. and nothing but BAD luck. I can honestly say that my heart hurts over this because I truly know deep down I made such a difference in students’ lives.
I lost my first teaching job right before tenure without explanation, and I am not going to lie…….that stung—-yet I was able to move on to a better paying teaching job, so I felt as though I made out in the long run. I taught in my second school for 2 years and it was just a toxic environment and so I decided to move on before I was let go because I saw it going that way. I worked within a very very cliquey school. I then found a district that I thought was a really great. I fit in, loved the students and I thought the principal was on my side and she was very supportive. I taught there for 4 years and was up for tenure. Things were looking up, and I saw myself retiring in this school. That was until May came around.
It was honestly like being stabbed in my heart. That is how much I loved teaching in that school. I felt betrayed and lied to by my principal. I was told my contract was not being renewed.. RIGHT BEFORE TENURE…. I never had a bad observation during the 4 years that I taught there. I felt like I was being broken up with! All of my dreams shattered and at that moment I questioned my career choice and regretted even pursuing teaching. Obviously they did not think I was a great teacher.
Well, I was so bitter, I did not look for a new teaching job this past summer. I decided that I would return to waiting tables again like I did while attending college. Sadly, as each day passes, and I invest more time into this restaurant I feel stuck. I miss teaching and I miss the students. I miss being a professional. I miss working with other professionals and feeling like I am making a difference. I just feel like a complete and utter failure. I know I cannot take losing my job personally, and I can thank the politics but still….. it honestly hurts. I am starting at square one again.
Truth be told, I hate waiting tables. However, it is something that I am good at and yet I still feel like a failure. I have had people say “Why would you come back to this place?” “Why wait tables when you can teach?” The truth is….. I am just so scared. I am scared of failing again. My heart is in teaching and I know it is what I am meant to be. It is hard to recognize that waiting tables is not permanent, and my husband continues to remind me that it is temporary until I finish graduate school. But I want out so bad.
I hate that this has happened to me, and I hate that it happens to other teachers because teachers work so damn hard. They are unappreciated and taken for granted. If I could hug each and every teacher who has been through what I have been through I would. I hope eventually things will turn around for me.
Question for my readers:
Have any former teachers been through this before?
If so, how did you deal? How did you move on without ruining your confidence in your abilities?