blogging, Family, Life!, marriage, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

When are you truly ready to have kids?

My husband and I went out to dinner last night and he looked at me with sincerity in his eyes and stated, out of the blue, “I want to start having kids this summer.” Now, notice this was not posed in the form of a question as to whether or not I am ready just yet to be a mom. It was a “I do not care anymore whether or not you are ready to be a mom, you will give me a god damn child now whether you like it or not” kinda statement. I have been avoiding this discussion and hoping that he would “forget” somehow until I was eventually ready. Well, I was obviously in denial because apparently it is always on his mind since his biological clock it ticking.

To give you a little background, my husband is five years older than I am and has been ready to be a father for the past five years. He has been patiently waiting and has decided that this summer we MUST try to have a baby, no questions asked. Now notice how he has already decided that it is this summer that we will try. I ,on the other-hand, have decided that this summer just is not yet my time. We have been together for 9 years total and have been married for 3 years. We have a beautiful house and both have well paying jobs. The foundation, love and support is there, so there really should not be any question as to whether or not we are ready. Financially, yes, we are ready. Emotionally, yes, we are ready. However, there is something deep down inside me that tells me that I am just not ready yet.

I just cannot exactly place my finger on my reasoning behind why I am not ready. My husband and I started to get into a heated argument last night and it made me feel very guilty. I feel like I should give him exactly what he wants because he is older and we can afford to start a family. My husband loves me,and I know that we would make outstanding parents. So, I really do not know what is preventing me from starting our family. I have decided to compile a list as to why I may not be ready. I wonder if anyone has been through this kind of predicament,and if so, what was the ending result?

These are my reasons:

1. I work full time and already have a difficult time between juggling the responsibilities of being a wife, taking care of our home and keeping up with the demands of being a full time teacher.

2.I am fearful that I will screw up and disappoint my husband when I am a mom.

3.I want to go back to school to get my masters degree.

4.I love to work and if I was a stay at home mom I would lose my mind.

5.I do not want anyone else watching my child while I am working. This would mean that I would have to hire a nanny, and then I would miss out on all of the things that you look forward to when you are a parent: your baby’s first word, first step, etc. etc. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that my child’s nanny was able to witness that before I did. I also wouldn’t want to have to tell my child that I don’t know what their first word was because I was not there to witness it or that their first word was nanny.

6.I do not feel as of right now I am healthy enough to become pregnant. I have heartburn and allergies and I am over weight. I would like to take some time to lose weight and to become healthy before we begin trying.

7.You have to be completely selfless when you are a parent, and I feel as though right now I am not ready to give up my life. I know that may sound selfish, but that does not mean that when I am ready that I will not be selfless because I know I will give my child everything that they need.

8.I think I am just fearful of going through the process of child birth and of becoming a mom.

9.I am fearful of the pains of childbirth!

These are the reasons as to why I am just not ready at this moment to start having children. Now,I feel guilty not giving my husband what he wants, and he and his family constantly question me as to when I am going to start a family. But, how come they do not just give me my space and realize that when I am ready, it will happen?They need to respect my decision and realize that when the time comes, it will happen. As of right now, they are making me feel very guilty with the reason “do you want the baby to have an old father?” Now, mind you, my husband is 33 and I do not think there is anything wrong with a man starting a family in his late thirties. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.

My questions to those who are reading this post are:

1.How do you know when you truly are ready?
2.Is being a mom something that you should plan out?
3.Or… is being a mom something that you should not plan out and let it “just happen” as my husband says we should do.

Please give me some input…. It would be greatly appreciated!!!

6 thoughts on “When are you truly ready to have kids?”

  1. you know when you can´t stop looking at other peoples kids, when you keep buying parents magazines, when you have a longing feeling deep down that actually hurts.
    you can not plan being a parent, if you plan it sensibly, you´ll never take the plunge, ever. There will always be something stopping you, especially the weight issue, take it from one who knows, my weight is my excuse for everything I don´t want to do – if only I lose weight I will….
    work is an issue and you have to be prepared to take some time out, saying that, as a teacher, you will be able to reduce your hours easier than working elsewhere.
    You don´t mind giving up the stuff you love now once your child is born, it does not feel like giving up anything as your prospective on life changes completely.
    Childbirth is painful but…. again, without which you can not hold your child so when the time comes, it is not half as bad as you think, plus, you can get loads of help to stop the pain altogether.
    But… do not feel pressurized into having a child, not by family, friends, nor your husband, put all your fears and worries aside and decide then if you feel ready.

  2. I think what is the most difficult for me is my disability. It affects every aspect of my life. I feel like no matter how hard I work towards keeping myself organized, I can never keep up. I have a difficult time remaining organized and doing multiple tasks. If I succeed in one area of my life, another area is affected in a negative way. I am definitely feeling the pressure from my husband’s family and especially my husband. He feels like for some reason, he is going to be an “old father” if I wait any longer to make a decision. Oh well. I think in a year or so, I will be ready.I actually just bought a box, and I call it my “baby box” and when I am out I buy small knick knacks that I save for when I have a child. So I guess I am getting there. I think once I find myself doing the things that you mentioned, I may be ready. Thankks for your comment! I really appreciate it!! It made my day!!

  3. my point is… I fear that I will screw up as a mother because of my disability. I don’t want to forget to do things or have my husband pick up my slack. I fear that my job, being a mother and a wife will be completely overwhelming!

  4. Honestly, once you are a mum, you forget to worry about most of the other things. Organizing yourself is always difficult, especially with children and having ADD surely puts an added strain on things but you CAN NOT screw up as a mother, no way!! Anything to do with your child, you won´t forget, take it from me, anything else, just get into a routine or get a whiteboard maybe where you can take notes as a constant reminder (I´ve got one in the kitchen). I´ve spent 6 hours at work today (official not a working day), just FILING. I lose it if I don´t keep up, file it away every time and I just hate getting into a state like that. The point I am making is that I know (or think I know) what you are talking about BUT being a mum is different, yes, stressful, yes chaotic, yes sometime hubby´s got to pick up the pieces, but being a parent, seeing your child smile, talk, walk and hug you makes up for it big style. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, you are both still young but do not let him put you under pressure – go for it when you feel the time is right, just don´t worry about the if´s and but´s because then you´ll never feel ready.

  5. My husband said the same thing that you said. That when you become a mom, everything else finds a way to fall into place. I agree, I guess it will be a learning experience at first and making mistakes will be normal. It is good to hear this advice from someone who has experience. I lost my mom when I was 18, so I do not have many people to ask questions about becoming a mom. I also have a whiteboard, but I fail to use it for the purpose in which I originally had purchased it for. I bought it to remain organized, however, I find myself writing love notes to my husband, inspirational quotes and doodles. Go figure. lol. I have communicated with my husband, but he is really ready. He is 33 and he feels if we wait any longer he will be an “old dad.” I think I will try over the summer or next year. Thank you so much for your input. It is greatly appreciated!

  6. I must admit, he has a point, there is a huge difference between having kids at 24 (my first one), 32 (second) and 36 (third and last) 😉 When you are younger, it is easier to cope, sleepless nights, crying spells .. everything, when you are older, you appreciate your kids more but also find it more difficult to cope with the stress of it and that, I´m afraid applies to Dad´s, too 😉
    PS. we use the whiteboard to “intern” messages, too – just that it´s the kids who doodle on it now 🙂

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